FA00010
//April 2// ゆっくりと── It took her awhile... //i don't really like this much. how about "in slow motion" or "in a slow manner" or slow something? --Frank// //Can't think of a better word. It pretty much fits IMO -- Pala// //how about this? --Frank// 彼女の双眸が開かれる。 But she finally opens her eyelids. //i like "eyelids" here. --Frank// すでに、スイッチは入っていた。 It's like she has transformed into a different being. //lit., the switch has been turned on// 湖のように澄んだサファイアの瞳は、いまや紅蓮のルビーへと変貌していた。 Her eyes, once crystal blue like the color of a lake, are now crimson like rubies. 彼女を包む空気は恐怖に逃げまどい、輝く髪を舞い上がらせる。 A terrifying aura envelops her body. Her hair shimmers, aloft on unseen winds. //Pretty sure envelopes is a noun, while envelop is a verb -- Pala// 内に凝縮された力を体中から噴き上げ、彼女はあらゆる存在を睥睨していた。 A flare of power erupts from her body, and her glare totally overpowers me. //i prefer "overwhelming" gaze, but the word will be used in the next few lines so it's okay// これが── This is... 吸血鬼。 ...a vampire. 俺のちっぽけな想像は、一瞬で粉砕され跡形もない。 There's no doubt she could instantly obliterate my existence without a trace. //Kinda bad flow to it...but I am not sure what the sentence means either -- Pala// //i prefer the previous flow --Frank// //adjust a little --Frank// 圧倒的な存在感の前で、俺は、自分がまだ生きているという確証を探し狂ったように唇を噛みしめていた。 Before this overwhelming presence, I can't help but bite my lip to ensure that I'm still alive. //"ensure" doesn't need an object if it's followed by a clause. better flow i think.// 彼女が一歩踏み出す。 She takes a step toward me. 聞こえるはずの足音は、風の渦に飲み込まれ霧散した。 Instead of her footsteps, only the sound of the rushing wind reaches my ears. ぶつりと、繊維が切れる感覚。 I feel the flesh of my lips give way to my teeth. 口の中に鉄の味が広がった。 A metallic taste seeps into my mouth. それでも、さらなる確かさを求めて唇に歯を食い込ませていく。 I bit my lip so hard that it bled, yet I seek for more pain... the pain which lets me know I'm still alive. //just one lip, lower lip --Frank// //Everything after the comma sounds too dramatic// 【？？】「支倉くん」 ???: "Hasekura-kun." 穏やかな、しかし揺るぎない動きで彼女の腕が突き出される。 She extends her arm gently but steadfastly. 陽炎をまとった掌が俺の額に触れた。 I can feel the heat in her palm on my forehead. //previous version: As she puts her hand to my forehead, the air in front of my eyes shimmers hazily as it does on a hot summer day over the baking earth. why did it become so wordy, lol?// //Honestly, I prefer the first wordy version, but psch, your choice XD -- Pala// //just "in her palm" is more brief. not much different meaning.// どうしてこうなってしまったのか……。 Why does it have to end like this? わずかな悔恨が胸をかすめる。 I start to feel some regret. //feel some regret -or- have some regrets// //hmmm "have regret" doesn't sound right enough either. i'll use "feel sorry" then --Frank// //on second thought, i like "feel some regret" the most among these lol. --Frank// だがもういい。 But it doesn't matter. すべては終わりだ。 It's all over now. 【？？】「悪く、思わないでね」 ???: "Please don't hate me for this." //cut to train// 渡り鳥に似ている。 I'm like a migratory bird. //?? Regarding this and the next two lines... maybe he's declaring that he's like a migratory bird. Then while he's gazing at the scenery he realizes that he can't count how many times he's transferred?// //What does this actually mean? O_O// //it means he transferred school so often @ pala --Frank// 流れる景色を眺めながら、思った。 I gaze at the scenery that streams past me as I think about that. //Awkward but it would get reworded if the above assumption is correct// 両手の指では数え切れないほどの転校。 I've already lost count of how many times I've transferred. //!! He's not counting how frequently he transfers, he's counting how many times// //previous version: Even using all the fingers on both hands, I can't count how many times I've transferred.// 日本中を、北へ南へと渡り歩いてきた。 I've wandered the full length of Japan, from north to south. 渡り鳥と違うところがあるとすれば。 However, there's a difference between birds and me. 彼らが本能により住み家を変えるのに対し、自分は父親の仕事の都合で住み家を変える点だ。 Birds travel because their instinct tell them to, but I travel because of my father's job. //!! If you explained to someone why you changed schools frequently, you'd use "job" and not "work circumstances" right?// //彼ら indicates plural// //Original just didn't sound nice.// //i figure they share only one instinct, the instinct to migrate --Frank// ガアアァァッ *whoosh* 電車を包む音が変わった。 The engine noise changed as soon as we left the tunnel. //?? Yes this what happens, but what's written is something like "The sound of the train on the tracks changes", which is mirrored in the game audio.// //yeah, I'd personally go for "The sound surrounding the train changes".// // Trying this -Aiikon // //previous version: The sounds coming in from outside the train change.; this line sure is troublesome. i guess we should just be specific which sound it is and we'll be ok. how about this? --Frank// //Why not, the sound of the train's engine changes as soon as we left the tunnel? -- Pala// //actually 's is not needed here// 車窓を、鋼鉄の支柱が規則正しいテンポで走り抜け、海の青が見え隠れする。 An array of steel pillars flies past my vision, disrupting the seaside scenery outside the window. //"stream pass" is already used just awhile ago, so i change a little// //Flow past my vision...I don't think that actually makes much sense// //i don't think "flew" is the right verb either. how about "move"? --Frank// //Now it's just a bit awkward --Aiikon// //How about flying then? Sounds better, IMO// //i'll stick with that --Frank// 橋に差しかかったのだ。 We're passing over a bridge. この橋の設計にも父親が関わっていたはずだ。 I remember this bridge. It's one of my father's work too. //I like the old wording better: I recognize this bridge... My father designed this one too. // 橋の終点は、潮見市、珠津島。 This bridge leads to Shiomi City, Tamatsu Island. ７年ほど前、住んでいた島だ。 I lived there seven years ago. あれから、どれだけの引っ越しをしただろう。 I wonder how many times I've moved since then... 数えようとしたが、思い出せなかった。 I try to count, but I can't remember. 転校も一度や二度なら覚えていようが、そこは渡り鳥。 Oh well. Migratory birds probably remember only a few of their journeys as well. //changed "forget" for "only remember" because forgetting one or two would still make it a high number I think. - KG// 行った先のいちいちを記憶してたら、頭がパンクしてしまう。 If I kept track of every single one of them, my head would explode. 破り取ったカレンダーには、せいぜいメモ用紙くらいの意味しかない。 It's pointless to give annotations to calendar pages I already tore away. //He's making an analogy about a desk calendar, should that stay?// //Good question - KG// //previous version: And if all I could take away from the days of my childhood is an annotated list of locations, well, that's pretty depressing.; i think this is more accurate.// //The previous version sounded cooler, IMO.// //I think it's much more accurate as it is now, plus it keeps the analogy intact// 俺にとって大切なのは、これからめくるカレンダーだ。 It's the upcoming pages that are important. 【車内アナウンス】「次は終点、珠津島海岸通り。どなた様も、お忘れ物のないようお降り下さい」 Train Announcer: "Next station is terminal station, Tamatsu Island. Please check all your belongings before you leave." //sounds better, IMO// //Tamatsu Island is the terminal station// タクシーの運転手に道を聞き、学院に向かう。 I give the taxi driver directions to my school. //に indicates that he's giving to instead of taking from, right? It's confusing cause in the anime he is walking...// どうやら、山の斜面にある白い建物群がそれらしい。 Guess it's the group of white buildings on the mountain slope over there. 運転手によると、橋ができてから島はずいぶん変わったとのことだ。 According to the taxi driver, many things have changed after the bridge was built. 本土のベッドタウンとして住宅街ができ、合わせて駅前も開発された。 The island has become a commuter town for mainland Japan. The land has been developed, especially around the train station. //?? Or area around the train station// //^yep// 田舎の生活を想像してたけど、意外と刺激的な毎日を送れそうだ。 And I was expecting the rural lifestyle I had all those years ago. //?? Isn't that more "was imagining" than "looking forward to"? // //yeah, changed - KG// //how about "expecting"?// //remember kinda sounds awkward// １５分ほどで校門にたどりついた。 15 minutes later, we arrived at the school gate. //?? Why huffing and puffing if he was in a taxi? // //and without any reason, too, changed. - KG// //lol huffing and puffing? anyway i change "after 15 mins" to "15 mins later".// 多少古びてはいるが、風格を感じさせる門だ。 This gate is somewhat old, but it has a nice feeling to it. // Needs rewording // //what about this?// これから、ここで２年間を過ごす。 I'll be spending the next two years here. かなりの進学校だとか伝統校だとか、なにかと有名な学院だが、その辺はどうでもよかった。 It's a prestigious school with a long tradition and good name, but I don't really care about that. 一番大切なのは《全寮制》だってこと。 To me, the most important aspect of this school is that all of the students stay in the dorms. //the last part, "away from their parents" feels unnecessary, they are dormitories after all. Changed. - KG// //made the last part more readable// //change staying to present simple cuz it's a fact --Frank// つまり、もう転勤族の親父に連れ回されずにすむってことだ。 That means I won't have to change schools because of my father again. 転校生活が激しく苦痛だったわけじゃない。 It's not like transferring is hard for me. //agonizing sounds wrong somehow...why not hard?// だが、そこには名状しがたい窮屈さがあった。 I think I better describe it as constraining. //How about: I think it just felt constraining// 例えるなら、ガラスのケースに入ったまま生活しているような気分だ。 It's kinda like living your life inside a glass box. こちらから向こうは見えるし、その逆もまたしかり。 I could see the world, and the world could see me... でも、外界の何かに触れることはできない。 ...but I couldn't reach out and touch it. もしかしたら、吸ってる空気も違うのかもしれない。 Perhaps even the air I breathed was different from that of the outside world. だが今の俺は違う。 But it's not gonna be like that anymore. //previous version: But that was before, my circumstances have changed now.// //I think the problem was more of his condition compared to his personality// これから始まる新生活。 My new life begins here. もしかしたら、今までになかったものが見つけられるかもしれない。 I might find something I've never had before. 期待を胸に校門をくぐる。 With anticipation brewing in my chest, I walk through the school gate. 【？？】「あなたが支倉孝平（はせくら・こうへい）君ね！」 ???: "You're Hasekura Kouhei-kun, right?" 敷地の奥へと続く階段の上から、声が降ってきた。 I hear a voice from the top of the stairs. //!! Yes there are no stairs in the picture, maybe reword again? // //i cut "leading into the school" because it's luxurious.// //never played the game, but how about a voice coming from inside the school?// //go play the game o.o umm top of stairs is correct// 一段目に足をかけたまま、声の主を見上げる。 I stop and look up at the voice. //?? This just seems off// //previous version: I raise my eyes with my foot frozen in place, looking up at the owner of that voice.// まぶしく健康的な両脚が、スカートの中へと消えていく。 More important than the two flawless legs disappearing into a tidy, pleated skirt. // I don't see the "more than" in this line // //still, he thought of mixing it with the next lines - KG// 細い腰やバランスのよい胸部よりさらに上。 More than her slender hips or her well-balanced chest. //might be more accurate// 整った顔立ちよりも、 More than those facial features, arranged as if by a master artist. 生き生きとした笑顔よりも、 Even more than the vivid smile she's flashing at me. ――まずはその勝気な瞳に視線を奪われた。 It's the unyielding spirit and passion for life in her eyes that form my first impression of her. 淡い色の髪が風に揺れる。 Her golden hair flutters in the wind. 春の陽射しが眩しくて、俺は目を細めた。 I have to squint against the radiant sun. //previous version: The spring sunlight makes it dazzling, and I have to squint against the splendor.// //radiant and sunlight doesn't quite work together...how about just the sun?// //cut "spring" --Frank// そして、いつの間にか止まっていた呼吸を再開する。 I took a breath again after realizing that I had been holding it all the while. //reworded the line// //holding *it* (his breath) didn't make sense because *it*, while obviously his breath, wasn't actually stated in English// 【孝平】「ああ、そうだけど」 Kouhei: "Yeah, that's me." そぞろになっていた気を落ち着けて、俺は答えた。 I somehow manage to compose myself and reply. 【女子生徒】「私はこの学院の生徒会副会長、千堂瑛里華（せんどう・えりか）よ」 Female Student: "I am this school's student council vice president, Sendou Erika." //umm pls look at the discussion page of Recurring terms page// //I don't think these need to be capitalized// //me neither, student council is a pretty neutral word// //ok i'll comply --Frank// 【瑛里華】「学院を代表して歓迎するわ。ようこそ、修智館学院へ！」 Erika: "I'm also the school's welcoming representative. Welcome to Shuuchikan Academy!" 心地よいほど、さわやかな笑顔だった。 Her cheerful mood reflects in her refreshing smile. 【瑛里華】「あなたを迎えに来たの」 Erika: "I'm here to pick you up." 【孝平】「え？　どうして？」 Kouhei: "Eh? Why?" 迎えをよこされるほど、立派な人間になったつもりはないが。 To have someone come out here to greet me... I'm not really an important person. //previous version: It's already enough that they had someone waiting for me at the gate, they don't need to show me around. I'm not that important of a person.; maybe too wordy// 【瑛里華】「これから、一緒に学院生活を送ることになる人だから迎えにきたのよ」 Erika: "Because we'll spend our time together from here on. That's why." //previous version: From here on out, we're going to be companions at this academy together, so of course we need to get along.// 臭いセリフだった。 That sounds fishy. //previous version: What a suspicious line.// でも、彼女は心からそう言っているのだと思う。 Still, I think she truly means it. //how about "honest"? - KG// // How's this then? -Aiikon // こんな表情で嘘をつく奴なんていない。 There's no way that honest expression could be a lie. //i don't think "cute" is the right adjective here// //How about honest? Bright indicates intelligence, which does not necessarily indicate honesty// 【瑛里華】「心から歓迎するわ。よろしくね」 Erika: "I welcome you from the bottom of my heart. Nice to have you with us." //how about "our" instead of "my"? she's a representative after all// //and if it's our, it should be "hearts", I think. But she is alone after all, so I don't think it should be we in the first place.// //reasonable// 元気よく手を差し出してくる。 She offers her hand enthusiastically. こんな歓迎を受けたのは初めてだ。 This is the first time I've been welcomed like this. 『今までになかったもの』 "Something I've never had before". 彼女の笑顔に、それを期待してもいいのだろうか。 Based on the smile on her face, maybe it's okay to expect that... //..."something I've never had before"// きっと大丈夫だ。 I'm sure it'll be fine. そう思わせるほどの力が、その笑顔にはあった。 Her smile convinced me to believe in that. //Err, how about "Her smile convinced me to believe in that?"// //good// 俺はゆっくり手を伸ばす。 I slowly reach out for her hand... //not "hesitantly", it's contradicting with previous line// 手が触れあい、ここから新しい学院生活が始まる―― When our hands touch, my new life will truly begin... //previous version: They're about to touch. This is how my new life truly begins.// 【瑛里華】「ひぁぁぁぁっっ！？」 Erika: "Aaaaah!?" と思ったら、寸前で彼女が手を引っ込め…… As I think that, she suddenly pulls her hand back and topples. 尻餅をついた。 She lands on her butt. 【孝平】「……」 Kouhei: "..." とっさに言葉が出ない。 I'm at a loss for words. 女の子にいきなり悲鳴をあげられるなんて…… For a girl to suddenly scream like that... 正直、かなりショック。 I'm pretty shocked. 【孝平】「だ、大丈夫？」 Kouhei: "A-Are you okay?" 【瑛里華】「え、ええ」 Erika: "Y-Yeah..." 副会長は地面にへたりこんだまま、困惑気味に俺を見ている。 She remains sitting on the ground and looks at me with a bewildered expression. //Cobblestone isn't even in the Japanese anyway// 【孝平】「えっと……」 Kouhei: "Um..." 【瑛里華】「……」 Erika: "..." 【孝平】「た、立ったほうが……いいよな」 Kouhei: "...Maybe you should stand up." 【瑛里華】「そ、そうね」 Erika: "Yeah, that's right." 俺が差し出した手を避け、副会長は自分で立ちあがった。 She ignores my offered hand and stands up on her own. //?? "She was used earlier, but Vice President here?// //"She stands up by herself" doesn't sound as nice in this line, and "The Vice President remains sitting" makes the line even longer, still, it might be good to change this one to "she" - KG// なんなんだ？ What the heck? 手は汚れてないはずだが……。 My hand's not dirty... //Better flow// 【孝平】「あのさ……俺、なんか、まずいことした？」 Kouhei: "So... did I do something bad?" 一歩踏み出す。 I take a step forward. 【瑛里華】「あ」 Erika: "Ah..." 女の子の顔が、だんだん紅潮してきた。 Her face gradually reddens. 【孝平】「もしかして、調子悪い？」 Kouhei: "Do you feel sick?" 【瑛里華】「別に、そんなことは……」 Erika: "No, that's not it..." 【孝平】「でも……」 Kouhei: "But..." 【瑛里華】「いいの、本当に、大丈夫だから」 Erika: "I'm fine. Really, I'm fine." 【瑛里華】「う、うぅぅ」 Erika: "U... Uhh..." 言ったそばから、口元を押さえ顔を伏せる。 Right after saying that, she covers her mouth and hangs her head. //Sounds kinda awkward IMO. No other word besides tense?// //this should be more accurate --Frank// 【孝平】「お、おい」 Kouhei: "H... Hey." なんかの発作だったりするのか？ Was that some kind of seizure? なら放っておくわけにはいかない。 If so, I can't just ignore this. 【孝平】「誰か呼んだほうがいいか？」 Kouhei: "Should I call for help?" //Can't this be misconstrued as a cell phone call?// //"call for some help"?// 【瑛里華】「大丈夫、大丈夫よ」 Erika: "I'm fine. I'm fine." 女の子が顔を上げる。 She raises her face. 白い頬を数滴の汗が滑り落ちた。 Several droplets of sweat trickle down her pale cheeks. 【孝平】「ぜんぜん大丈夫じゃなさそうだぞ」 Kouhei: "You don't look fine at all." 【瑛里華】「平気だから……ちょっと、ごめんなさい」 Erika: "I'm fine... Give me a minute please." //If I'm not wrong, when she says ちょっと in here, she refers to give her some time, in this case to calm down, the next line makes me think so, at least - KG// そう言って俺から５メートルほど離れ、くるりと背を向けた。 She puts a fair distance between us and looks away. // Change // //umm why don't just use 5 m?// //Why use "5 meters" at all? He really thinks: "ohh, she's exactly 5 meters away now..."// //instead of turns, why not use looks?// //agreed// 【瑛里華】「はぁ、はぁ、はぁ……」 Erika: "Haa... Haa... Haa..." 背中が大きく上下する。 I can tell her breathing is ragged even from behind. //Literally her back was moving up and down// //previous version: Even just seeing her from behind, I can tell her breath was heaving.; how about this?// //How about "Even from behind, I can tell her breathing was ragged"?// //agreed// 女の子が苦しげに呼吸するさまは、見ていて辛い。 It's hard for me to see a girl breathe in pain. なんとかしてあげたいが、どうしようもない。 I really want to do something to help, but I don't know how. 【瑛里華】「はぁ……ふぅ……」 Erika: "Haa... Uh..." 【瑛里華】「ふぅ……」 Erika: "Haa..." 呼吸が深く、ゆっくりになる。 She finally regains her breathing rhythm. //previous version: Her breathing becomes deeper and slower.; what about this?// //What about "Her breathing gradually returned to being normal"?// 【孝平】「ど、どう？」 Kouhei: "How are you feeling?" 彼女が向き直り、すっと姿勢を正した。 She turns around and straightens up. 【瑛里華】「ええ……だいぶ楽になったわ」 Erika: "Yeah... I'm feeling better now." //all -> feeling ? // //I second this. - KG// //Changed -Aiikon// まだぎこちないが、笑顔も少し戻っている。 It seems awkward, but her smile has returned. 【孝平】「一人でも転入手続きくらいはできるから、無理しないで」 Kouhei: "I can take care of moving in by myself, so don't push yourself too hard." //"The" seems off// //^ Agreed// 【瑛里華】「ありがとう……もう、平気よ」 Erika: "Thank you... but I'm fine now." 【瑛里華】「あ、案内するからついてきて」 Erika: "Oh, that's right, I came here to show you the way. Follow me." //this あ is from stuttering 案内, not a realization // 【孝平】「どこへ？」 Kouhei: "Where?" 【瑛里華】「先生のところよ」 Erika: "To see the teacher." //teachers -> teacher - KG// //how about sensei? we'll stick will honorifics anyway// //I'd hold off for the moment as it isn't necessarily being used as an honorific yet, plus for someone who _does_ have a fair bit of Japanese experience but not enough, it feels confusing, like she's talking about a certain sensei with special meaning instead of just a normal teacher// 言うなり、校舎への階段を早足で上がっていく。 Saying that, she leads me at a quick pace up the stairs leading to the main school building. //It is specifically those stairs so I reworded it// なんだって、そんなに急ぐのだろうか。 Why is she in such a rush? //Why's just kinda sounds awkward// //cut to the class building// 彼女が立ち止まったのは、ある教室の前だった。 She stops in front of a room. //use "room" instead of "classroom" because he'll say later, "This isn't the faculty room. It's just an ordinary classroom."// 【瑛里華】「じゃあ、先生はこの中だから」 Erika: "Well then, he's inside." 言うなりきびすを返す。 After saying that, she turns on her heel. 【孝平】「ちょっと」 Kouhei: "Wait." 【瑛里華】「何？」 Erika: "What?" 【孝平】「案内してくれて助かった。調子がよくないのに、すまないな」 Kouhei: "Thank you so much for bringing me here even though you're not feeling well." //i don't think she showed him around. she just brought him here.// 【瑛里華】「……ええ」 Erika: "Sure..." 短く答え、彼女は立ち去った。 With that short reply, she departs. 【孝平】「ふう……」 Kouhei: "Phew..." こっちがむちゃくちゃ緊張してしまった。 I'm getting nervous. ほんと、大丈夫だろうか？ Will she be okay? 出会ってからのことを考えると、心配ばかりが募る。 My worry only grows when I think about what happened. もしまた話す機会があったら、聞いてみよう。 I'll try asking her about it if we meet again. //previous version: I'll try asking her about it if I get a chance to talk with her again.// 【孝平】「……さて」 Kouhei: "Well then..." 気持ちを入れかえる。 I put my worries aside for the time being. // Not sure what this means, I bring my feelings back in myself? I think the current English line works though // //my bet, he refers to calm himself and concentrate in what he has to do - KG// // How about this? -Aiikon // //lit., replace his feeling. yep it means something like not to worry anymore.// 中には先生がいるって言ってたな。 She said the teacher was inside, right? // is the ",right?" necessary? // //that would also make me ask if you think the な was necessary in the original line - KG// //Makes sense -Aiikon// こんこん Knock-knock. そこは、職員室ではなく普通の教室だった。 This isn't the faculty room. It's just an ordinary classroom. 【初老の男性教師】「ん、誰だい？」 Male Teacher: "Huh? Who is it?" 【孝平】「転校してきた支倉といいますが」 Kouhei: "I am Hasekura Kouhei, a transfer student." 【初老の男性教師】「ああ、キミが支倉君か」 Male Teacher: "Ah... Ah! So you're Hasekura-kun? " //There are two distinct あ sounds in the voiced line// 【初老の男性教師】「聞いているよ。ここまでは迷わず来れたかい」 Male Teacher: "I've heard that you are coming. You found your way here by yourself?" //lit., without getting lost// 【孝平】「生徒会の方に案内してもらったので」 Kouhei: "Well, a student council representative led me here." 【初老の男性教師】「そうか。千堂君、行くと言ってたからな」 Male Teacher: "That's right. Sendou-kun said she was going to do it." 【初老の男性教師】「彼女は生徒会の副会長で、いろいろよくやってくれてるんだ」 Male Teacher: "She's the student council's vice president. She's always helping us with things." //extra comma?// //previous version: She's the vice president of the student council, and is always trying her best at whatever she does.; is this more accurate.// //The two have different meanings, so I guess we should pick one and stick with it.// 【初老の男性教師】「二人で来るものだと思ってたが」 Male Teacher: "I thought both of you were coming." //How about "I expected the both of you to come."?// //"expected" sounds like he demanded Erika to be here --Frank// 【孝平】「体調が悪かったようで、そこまで来て帰りました」 Kouhei: "She wasn't feeling well, so she left after bringing me here." 【初老の男性教師】「ふむ」 Male Teacher: "Hmm..." 生徒会が、こんなに先生に信頼されてるのも珍しいな。 It's unusual for a teacher to place so much trust on a student council member. //"strange" sounds negative// //reworded// 【初老の男性教師】「僕は青砥といって、化学を担当している。あとは君が入る寮の寮監もしてるから」 Male Teacher: "My name is Aoto. I teach chemistry here and I'm also your dorm supervisor." 【青砥】「いろいろ、よろしく」 Aoto: "Good to have you here." 【孝平】「はい、こちらこそよろしくお願いします」 Kouhei: "Thank you. Nice to meet you." 【青砥】「さてどこにいったかな……あったあった」 Aoto: "Well, where were we... oh right." 青砥先生は、カバンの中から封筒を取り出した。 Aoto-sensei pulls out an envelope from his bag. 【青砥】「ええと、支倉孝平君」 Aoto: "Hmm... Hasekura Kouhei-kun..." 【孝平】「はい」 Kouhei: "Yes?" 【青砥】「ご両親は海外に転勤か……一緒には行かなかったんだね」 Aoto: "Your parents moved overseas... You chose not to go with them, right?" 【孝平】「ええ、今までは一緒に引っ越していたんですが、今回は残ろうかと」 Kouhei: "Yes. I've been moving with them up until now. But this time I want to stay by myself." 【青砥】「なるほど」 Aoto: "I see." 【青砥】「どうして、この学院を選んだんだい？」 Aoto: "Why did you choose this school?" 【孝平】「実は、昔ちょっとだけこの島に住んでいたことがあったので、いいかなと思いました」 Kouhei: "Actually, I spent a chunk of my childhood living on this island." 俺の答えに、青砥先生は穏和な笑顔を浮かべた。 Aoto-sensei gave a small chuckle at my answer. //I don't think mild suits it properly// 【青砥】「さて、次に寮についてだが、寮の部屋番号は２Ａ－１８だ」 Aoto: "Well, about the dorm, your room number is 2A-18." 【青砥】「これが生徒証と寮の部屋の鍵。生徒証が無いと学食で飯も食えないから、失くすなよ」 Aoto: "Here are your student ID and room key. You'll need your student ID to get your meals, so don't lose it." 【孝平】「わかりました」 Kouhei: "Understood." //I don't think a student would respond "Understood"// //well, he was half-formal in here, and he was responding to a teacher too. - KG// //Understood -Aiikon// //Why not "I understand."// //methinks "I understand" sounds like he's being reproved. and "understood" is more casual --Frank// 【青砥】「今後の予定だが、７日に始業式。クラスもこの時発表するから必ず来るように。８日から授業開始だ。９日には新入生歓迎会もある」 Aoto: "Here's the plan. We'll have the opening ceremony on 7th. You'll get your timetable and have class that day so make sure you come. Our lessons start on 8th. There's also a freshmen welcome party on 9th." // What is the meaning of 時発表? // //時 time, 発表 announcement, separated things . KG// //Does this make sense?// //"freshman" sounds like first years// //it is literally freshman though, plus new student is too generic because Hasekura is a "new student" but the party isn't for him// //"welcome party" is the correct term// //Correct; 6x more Google results for "welcome party" over "welcoming party"// 【青砥】「これから数日は、いろいろと忙しいと思うが、頑張ってくれ」 //In the game script (「これから数日は、いろいろと忙しいと思うが、\n頑張ってくれ」) there is a "\n" which is a line break character. You also need to put one "\n" in the translation if you don't want the game to crash// //yep. but pls exclude \n for now for easier reading. or you could add them in your comment. we'll detect and manually add these lines later. --Frank// Aoto: "You'll be quite busy over the next few days, so do your best." 【孝平】「ありがとうございます」 Kouhei: "Thank you very much." 始業式までは、今日を入れてあと５日。 There are still five days until the opening ceremony. その間に、できるだけ学院に慣れておこう。 During this time I need to become familiar with my new school. 【青砥】「僕からはこれくらいかな。あとは、さっさと友達作って、いろいろ教えてもらってくれ」 //Game script with the \n「僕からはこれくらいかな。あとは、さっさと友達\n作って、いろいろ教えてもらってくれ」// Aoto: "That's about it from me. All that's left is to quickly make friends and study." //for some 【青砥】「それじゃ、外まで一緒に行くか」 Aoto: "Well then, I'll walk you outside." 先生が荷物をまとめて立ちあがる。 Aoto-sensei grabs his bag and stands up. //he already knows his name so i'll go by the name --Frank// //cut to outside// 【青砥】「あー、おい紅瀬（くぜ）」 Aoto: "Ah. Hey, Kuze." 先生が通りがかった女の子を呼び止める。 Aoto-sensei calls out to a passing girl. //Since you changed this earlier// 【紅瀬】「何か？」 Kuze: "Yes?" 【青砥】「転校生を、寮まで連れてって案内してやってくれないか」 Aoto: "Could you take our transfer student to the dorm?" 【紅瀬】「これから用事がありますので」 Kuze: "I have something to take care of." //"errand" sounds like something you do for someone// 右も左もわからない子羊の俺を目の前にして、きわめてすげない対応。 From the point of view of someone who doesn't know anything about this school like me, she was very cold. //previous version: From my point of view as an outsider who didn't know left from right in this school, the girl seemed cold and distant.// 青砥先生の返事も待たずに、すたすたと去っていった。 She briskly walks away without waiting for Aoto-sensei's reply. 【青砥】「ふむ。ほかの奴を当たるか」 Aoto: "Well, hmm... I wonder if there's someone else." //cut to ginkgo path// 【青砥】「おー、八幡平（はちまんだいら）」 Aoto: "Hey, Hachimandaira." 次に声をかけたのは、とんがったビジュアルをした男子生徒。 He calls out again, this time to a guy with a sharp expression. 【青砥】「転校生を、寮まで連れてって案内してやってくれないか」 Aoto: "Could you take our transfer student to the dorm?" 【八幡平】「転校生？」 Hachimandaira: "Transfer student?" 【青砥】「彼なんだ。学年は一緒だ」 Aoto: "He's in the same year as you." 【八幡平】「いっすよ」 Hachimandaira: "I don't mind." 【青砥】「よろしく頼んだぞ、八幡平」 Aoto: "I'll leave it to you then, Hachimandaira." じゃあ、と校舎に戻っていく青砥先生。 With that, he heads back towards the school building. 【孝平】「……」 Kouhei: "..." 八幡平と呼ばれた男がこちらを見ている。 This Hachimandaira guy is looking over me. //previous version: The guy he called Hachimandaira is looking me over.// 外見は迫力あるが、中身は話してみなきゃわからない。 There's an air of intensity around him, but I can't tell what kind of person he is just by looking at him. 【孝平】「支倉孝平です。よろしく」 Kouhei: "I'm Hasekura Kouhei. Nice to meet you." 【八幡平】「ああ」 Hachimandaira: "Yeah." そっけない返事だ。 A curt reply. ここでくじけるほど、俺はヤワではない。 ...I won't be intimidated, I'm not that weak. 【孝平】「八幡平って珍しい苗字だな」 Kouhei: "Hachimandaira? That's an unusual name." 【八幡平】「ツカサでいい」 Hachimandaira: "Tsukasa is fine." 【孝平】「オーケー、司」 Kouhei: "Okay, Tsukasa." 【司】「昼飯食った？」 Tsukasa: "Had lunch yet?" 【孝平】「まだ」 Kouhei: "Not yet." 【司】「生徒証は？」 Tsukasa: "Got your ID?" 【孝平】「今もらったところ」 Kouhei: "I got it just now." // or minute or a few minutes // //simply just got it.// //previous version: I just got it.// 【司】「じゃ先にメシ食おう」 Tsukasa: "Then let's hit the cafeteria first." //cut to cafeteria// 司に引っ張られ、ガラス張りの建物に入った。 Tsukasa brings me into a glass-styled building. 【司】「和洋中その他いろいろ揃ってる。会計は生徒証で。貸してみ」 Tsukasa: "Japanese, Chinese, Western, and other types of food are all available. The bill goes to your student account. Let me have your ID." 【司】「こうやって料理を注文して、受け取って、会計」 Tsukasa: "You make your order, pick it up and pay, like this." エビチリカレーを頼み、受け取り、レジに生徒証を通す司。 He orders one chili shrimp curry, picks it up, and gives my ID to the cashier. 【司】「簡単だろ？」 Tsukasa: "Easy, right?" 【孝平】「つか今の生徒証、俺の」 Kouhei: "Hey, that was my ID." 【司】「案内料だ。安いもんだろ」 Tsukasa: "It's my guidance fee. Cheap, right?" そう来たか。 What the heck. 【司】「先に席とってるから」 Tsukasa: "I'll go claim our seats." 【司】「定食系は時間かかるから気をつけろ」 Tsukasa: "Keep in mind that it'll take some time for a set meal." ……なるほど。案内役は昼飯付きか。 I see. Now that I've treated my guide to a meal... その辺は割り切ることにして、大盛屋台風焼きそば紅ショウガ抜きを頼んだ。 Following his example, I head to Oomori Food Cart to order yakisoba without red ginger. //Oomori Food Cart?// //it's a name// //footnote: yakisoba --Frank// //cut to ginkgo path// 【司】「この先が白鳳寮。１、２階が男子で、３、４階が女子部屋」 Tsukasa: "At the end of this path is Hakuhou Dorm. The first and second floors are for the guys. The third and fourth are for the girls." 食後、寮を案内してもらうことになった。 He is guiding me to our dorm after lunch. //introducing doesn't sound appropriate, any other words?// //mmmm... guiding?// 【司】「部屋番号は？」 Tsukasa: "What's your room number?" 【孝平】「えーと、２Ａ－１８」 Kouhei: "Let's see... 2A-18." //wait, isn't that supposed to be 2A-P8? - KG// //Nope it's 2A-18// 【司】「俺の３つ隣だ」 Tsukasa: "Three doors away from me." 【司】「玄関からは遠いが、日当たりと眺めは悪くない」 Tsukasa: "It's far from the front door, but it's got plenty of sunlight and the view isn't bad." //he means Kouhei's room, so i'll use front door in case the readers mistake it for school gate --Frank// //"Exposed" makes it sound negative, though it would be nice if it doesn't sound like he's trying to grow plants?// 【孝平】「喜んでいいんだよな」 Kouhei: "Sounds nice." // Or "I guess I should be happy then?"// //this is okay// 【司】「まあな」 Tsukasa: "I guess." 【司】「しかし、ここに転校なんて珍しいな」 Tsukasa: "But... it's rare for someone to transfer to this school." 【孝平】「そうなのか？」 Kouhei: "Really?" 【司】「転校の試験は入試より難しい。だいたい落ちる」 Tsukasa: "The entrance exam for transfer students is pretty tough. Almost everyone fails." 【孝平】「運がよかったのかもな」 Kouhei: "Guess I got lucky." ここは、県内トップクラスの進学校。 This is probably the best school in the district. 進学率は１００％に近いし、現役合格率もきわめて高い。 The university acceptance rate is nearly 100% and most students get in on their first try. 転入試験は難しかったが、それでも頑張れたのは…… The exam was difficult, but I just did my best. 【司】「で、なんでここ？」 Tsukasa: "And why here?" 【孝平】「全寮制だからさ」 Kouhei: "It's a boarding school." 【司】「寮にあこがれてたのか？」 Tsukasa: "You want to live in a dorm that badly?" 【孝平】「あーいや、親が転勤族で」 Kouhei: "Ah, well... my parents have to move a lot because of their work." 【司】「なるほど」 Tsukasa: "I see." 会話が途切れる。 The conversation stops for a while. 口調はかなり淡泊だが、さっぱりして付き合いやすそうな奴だ。 He's a little blunt, but he's easy to get along with. // Original wording seemed wrong // //fixed// //honest sounds too positive for Tsukasa --Frank// //cut to dorm// 【司】「到着だ」 Tsukasa: "Here we are." 【孝平】「おう」 Kouhei: "Oh." 【司】「ここのつきあたり、一番端が２Ａ－１８」 Tsukasa: "At the end of the corridor is 2A-18." 【孝平】「わかった。助かったよ」 Kouhei: "Got it. Thanks." 【孝平】「しかし……きれいだな、この寮」 Kouhei: "But... this place is nice." // beautiful -> nice? I think he's implying "clean" with kirei// // it can mean both things, still, I think nice could be a good idea, as it isn't that far from beautiful, and could mean clean, too - KG// 【司】「築３年だ」 Tsukasa: "It was built three years ago." 【司】「これから荷ほどきか？」 Tsukasa: "You're unpacking after this?" 【孝平】「ああ、荷物はもう到着してるはずだし」 Kouhei: "Yeah, my luggage should have arrived by now." 【司】「終わったら、地下の大浴場に行くのもいいかもな。声掛けてくれれば付き合う」 Tsukasa: "When you're done, there's an underground public bath. Give me a call and I'll take you there." //yell? Why not like...call?// //idk either, but lol fixed --Frank// 【司】「俺は２Ａ－１５だから」 Tsukasa: "I'm in 2A-15." 【孝平】「晩飯もおごりになるのか？」 Kouhei: "Do I have to treat you dinner too?" 【司】「ありゃ最初の一回だけだ」 Tsukasa: "That was just a one time charge." ぴりりりっぴりりりっ *ring ring* その時、俺の携帯が鳴った。 At that moment, my cellphone goes off. 【孝平】「悪ぃ、ちょっと」 Kouhei: "Excuse me." ぴっ Beep. 【孝平】「はい」 Kouhei: "Yes?" 電話から聞こえてきたのは、何やらうろたえたおっさんの声だった。 I hear the flustered voice of a man on the other end. //I think "the" is better// //well i think "a" and "the" should be swapped --Frank// 嫌な予感。 I have a bad feeling about this. ……。 ... …………。 ...... 【孝平】「はあ、京都！？」 Kouhei: "What? Kyoto!?" 【司】「どうした？」 Tsukasa: "What's wrong?" 【孝平】「今日来るはずの荷物が、間違って京都に行っちまったらしい」 Kouhei: "My luggage was supposed to come today, but for some reason they shipped it to Kyoto!" 【孝平】「届くの明後日だってさ」 Kouhei: "They say it's not coming until the day after tomorrow." 【司】「そりゃ困ったな」 Tsukasa: "Well, that sucks." 本気で困った。 Yeah, it really sucks. 着替えもなんにも持ってないぞ。 I don't even have a single change of clothes. 【司】「電話貸してみ？」 Tsukasa: "Give me your phone." 【孝平】「どうするんだ？」 Kouhei: "Why?" 【司】「いいから」 Tsukasa: "Just give it to me." 司に電話を渡す。 I give him the phone. 【司】「二日後ってなに？」 Tsukasa: "What do you mean by taking two days?" 【司】「あんたんところの『大急ぎ便』使って送ってこいよ」 Tsukasa: "Just send it by express mail!" 【司】「そっちのミスだろうが」 Tsukasa: "Isn't it your mistake?" 電話から、気圧された運送屋の声が聞こえる。 I can hear the terrified voice of the shipping company employee from the phone. //previous version: From the phone, I can hear a terrified voice explaining that two days is how long priority mail will take.// //"representative" sounds pretty formal. how about "employee"?// 【司】「なら社員が新幹線で持ってこい！」 Tsukasa: "Then send it on a bullet train with someone!" //how about using Shinkansen? --Frank// //I vote to keep it as Shinkansen, I think it's a pretty common word by now// //ok. if we agree on it i'll add footnote for it// //footnote: shinkansen --Frank// 【司】「……ん、明日な。よし」 Tsukasa: "...Tomorrow then. Good." 【司】「ほら」 Tsukasa: "Here." 通話を切った携帯を、俺に返してくる。 He hangs up and gives it back. 【孝平】「明日？」 Kouhei: "Tomorrow?" //he means to ask Tsukasa, "what do you mean by tomorrow?"// 【司】「荷物、明日届く」 Tsukasa: "Your luggage. It'll be here tomorrow." 【孝平】「マジ？」 Kouhei: "Seriously?" 【司】「マジ」 Tsukasa: "Seriously." 【孝平】「マジ！？　助かった！」 Kouhei: "For real!? You're a great help!" //remind me to check this and the last line when I can see ingame. - KG)// //i remind you now. XD but why?// //Maybe use something else instead of seriously? Too repetitive. How about "For real?!"?// //ok// 後光が見えた。 I can see a halo above his head. 【孝平】「礼といっちゃあれだけど、晩飯、おごるよ」 Kouhei: "I'll treat you to dinner." 【司】「遠慮しないからな」 Tsukasa: "I won't say no to that." ニヤリと笑う司。 He broadly grins. 【孝平】「ああ」 Kouhei: "Yeah." 【司】「さーて、荷ほどきが無いなら、風呂でも行くか？」 Tsukasa: "Well then, now that you don't have luggage to unpack, want to head for the bath?" 【司】「タオルは貸す」 Tsukasa: "I'll lend you a towel." //"loan" is especially for money// 【孝平】「じゃ、お言葉に甘えて」 Kouhei: "I'll take you up on that offer then." 【孝平】「しかし、着替えられないのはちょっと辛いな」 Kouhei: "It'll be a little difficult not having a change of clothes though." //and this line - KG// //reminded XD --Frank// 【司】「下着は貸さねーぞ？」 Tsukasa: "You want to borrow my underwear?" 【孝平】「いや、そういうことじゃなくて」 Kouhei: "That's not what I meant..." 【孝平】「ほら、浴衣とかあればなーと」 Kouhei: "Well, I meant something like a yukata." //footnote: yukata --Frank// 【司】「温泉旅館じゃあるまいし」 Tsukasa: "This isn't an onsen inn." //Why not onsen? XD// //it actually sounds good. --Frank// //footnote: onsen --Frank// 【司】「さ、行くぞ」 Tsukasa: "Okay, let's go." //cut to staircase// 【孝平】「むあっ！」 Kouhei: "Whoa!" 【女子生徒Ａ】「ひああっ！？」 Female Student A: "Hyaa!?" 歩きだしたとたん、何かがぶつかってきた。 I just walked into something. 【女子生徒Ａ】「あ、わわわわ」 Female Student A: "Ah, wawawawa." 【孝平】「！？」 Kouhei: "!?" ふたりの女の子が目に入った。 A pair of girls enter my view. ぶつかったほうの女の子は、バランスを絶望的に崩して階段下に落ちそうになっている。 The one I hit is losing her balance and about to fall down the stairs. // My wording may be bad // //better?// //aye// 【司】「危ねえっ！」 Tsukasa: "Look out!" 【孝平】「くそっ！」 Kouhei: "Damn!" とっさに手を伸ばす── I reach out. こっちがつかむ前に、女の子が俺の腕をつかんだ。 Before I could grab her, she catches hold of my arm. 【孝平】「あ」 Kouhei: "Ah." //The screen spins as they tumble// どががががががっっ！！ *bam bam bam* 【孝平】「……ぐふっ」 Kouhei: "...Ugh." 階段の踊り場まで、女の子とおっこちた。 I fell along with her all the way down to the bottom. 痛ぇ。 It hurts... 痛いってことは生きている。 But if I'm in pain then it means I'm alive. 【司】「今度はあの世に転校か？」 Tsukasa: "Are you transferring to the afterlife this time?" 【孝平】「ひでーな、おい」 Kouhei: "Shut up, I'm in enough pain..." //is ひでー = ひどい?// //yes// //reworded// よっと立ちあがる。 I get up. 周囲には、お菓子やら飲み物やらが散乱していた。 Snacks and drinks are scattered everywhere around me. 【女子生徒Ａ】「あいたたたー」 Female Student A: "It hurts..." 女の子も立ちあがる。 She stands up as well. 【孝平】「ケガないか？」 Kouhei: "Are you hurt?" //consider hurt instead or injured - KG// //okay// 【女子生徒Ａ】「だいじょぶ」 Female Student A: "I'm fine." 【女子生徒Ｂ】「あの、そちらは？」 Female Student B: "Um... Are you okay?" 【孝平】「ああ、なんともない」 Kouhei: "Yeah, I'm good." 【女子生徒Ｂ】「すみませんでした」 Female Student B: "Sorry about that." ぺこり。 She bows. 【孝平】「それより、あの子は……」 Kouhei: "More importantly, what about her?" 【女子生徒Ａ】「ああっ、国宝級の壺が割れた！」 Female Student A: "Ahhh! The National Treasure masterpiece vase is broken!" // national treasure masterpiece vase doesn't sound right in English // //many things don't sound right in english, yet they are - KG// //Yeah it'll be fine as it is -Aiikon// //lol. i capitalized the word to make it sound more serious --Frank// //That's perfect -Aiikon// 【孝平】「なんだとっ！？」 Kouhei: "What did you say!?" 【女子生徒Ｂ】「もー、そんなもの入ってないでしょ」 Female Student B: "Geez... there's no way we have something like that." 【女子生徒Ａ】「でも国宝級のポテチは粉々に」 Female Student A: "But my National Treasure potato chips broke into pieces..." // national treasure masterpiece vase doesn't sound right in English // //dejavu - KG// 【孝平】「ともかく、ケガなくてよかった」 Kouhei: "Anyway, I'm glad you're not hurt." 【女子生徒Ｂ】「ごめんなさい、話に夢中になっちゃってて」 Female Student B: "I'm so sorry. We were talking and not paying attention." 【孝平】「いいよ、俺も悪かった」 Kouhei: "No, it was my fault too." 【女子生徒Ａ】「いいっていいって。お互いさまだし！」 Female Student A: "It's fine! It's fine! We're both at fault." 【女子生徒Ｂ】「どちらかというと、一方的だったような……」 Female Student B: "I have to say it was our fault alone..." 【女子生徒Ａ】「……？」 Female Student A: "Hmm?" 【女子生徒Ｂ】「どうしたの？」 Female Student B: "What is it?" 【女子生徒Ａ】「ううん、なんでもない」 Girl A: "No, it's nothing." 【女子生徒Ａ】「それじゃ、ごめんねっ」 Girl A: "Well then, sorry about that." //It seems we're missing stuff here too - KG// //are we? there's no missing line tho --Frank// 明るく謝罪の言葉を残して、また駆け上っていった。 She cheerfully apologizes and they run up the stairs again. //i think the only one cheerful is Kanade-san, so not they --Frank// 【孝平】「同じ寮に女子が住んでるのは新鮮だな」 Kouhei: "Living in the same dorm with the girls is pretty refreshing, huh?" 【司】「あの小さい方、先輩で寮長な」 Tsukasa: "That small girl is our senior and the dorm leader." // "the" dorm leader maybe? // //good question, I'd say yes. - KG// //added --Frank// 【孝平】「……マジか」 Kouhei: "...Seriously?" //cut to upstairs// 入浴後、ブラブラと寮を探索するうちに、２２時半を過ぎた。 After the bath, we wander the dorm in search of a change of clothes for two and a half hours. //"aimlessly" seems like they lack objective. i know it's the original but it's contradicting. --Frank// 司によると、２３時には廊下や談話室といった共用スペースの照明が落とされるらしい。 According to Tsukasa, at 11 P.M., the lights outside will be turned off. //how about just "the light outside"?// //There would be more than one light in the hallway// 消灯時間というやつで、生徒はそれまでに自分の部屋へ戻らなくてはならない。 After the lights are out, you must be in your own room. といっても、各個室の電気は使用でき、うるさくさえしなければ何をしていてもＯＫ。 But you're still allowed to have the lights on in your room and do whatever so long as you aren't too noisy. つまりは、寝る人もいるので２３時以降は自室で静かに過ごそうね、という話だ。 In other words, other people are sleeping by then so just try to be quiet. ちなみに門限というのもある。 There's also a curfew. ２１時以降は寮の正面玄関が施錠され、玄関脇のインターホンで寮監の先生を呼び出さないと建物に入れない。 After 9 P.M. the dorm's front door is locked, and you'll have to use the intercom to call the dorm supervisor to let you in. "寮監 = Aonori, 寮長 = Kanade-san// もちろん、中に入る際にはありがたいお説教がもれなくついてくる。 Obviously you'll get a lecture by doing this. // もちろん might need some English equivalent but we already have a lot of "Of course"'s // //how about "obviously"// ま、両方ともいろいろと抜け道はあるらしいが。 Well, there seem to be some loopholes in both rules though. //changed "of course" for "well" - KG// 【孝平】「さーて、寝るかな」 Kouhei: "Well then, I'm hitting the sack." 荷物もないし、それ以外やることがない。 I don't have anything to do without my luggage. 【司】「どこに行く」 Tsukasa: "Where are you going?" 【孝平】「いや、自分の部屋」 Kouhei: "My room." 【孝平】「布団は無いけど、ジャケットにでもくるまって寝ようかなと」 Kouhei: "I don't have a futon, but I can curl up in my jacket or something." 【司】「仕方ないな」 Tsukasa: "No helping it I guess." そう言うと司は、自分の部屋の中に入るよう手招きした。 Tsukasa beckons me to his room. 【孝平】「どうした？」 Kouhei: "What's wrong?" 【司】「ここで寝ろ。風邪引くぞ」 Tsukasa: "Sleep here or you'll catch a cold." 【孝平】「いいのか？」 Kouhei: "Is that okay?" 【司】「晩飯もおごらせちまったしな」 Tsukasa: "You treated me to dinner after all." 案外、義理堅い。 He has a surprisingly strong sense of obligation. 転校早々、消灯時間のルールを破ることになるが……。 I just transferred here, so breaking the curfew could be bad... 暖かい部屋と寝具の魅力には抗いがたい。 ...but I can't argue with the thought of a warm room with bedding. 【司】「嫌なら別に」 Tsukasa: "It's fine if you don't want to..." 【孝平】「いや、頼むよ」 Kouhei: "I'm coming." しかし司には世話になりっぱなしだ。 Tsukasa sure looks after me a lot. //Seems out of place, what if he's saying something like: Tsukasa's sure looking after me a lot?// //funny, you are saying the same he intended to, just in a better way. - KG// //Changing it then -Aiikon// //this sounds okay// 青砥先生が司を呼んでくれなかったら、どうなってたんだろう。 What would have happened if Aoto-sensei didn't call him? //Should we start referring to him as Dr. Aoto? I always remember referring to teachers as Mr/Mrs. or Dr. for a few. // //I'd go for a no, don't use personal experience when translating, you can always use Aoto-sensei though, we are using honorifics already. If you decide to use Dr. though, I won't oppose. - KG// //no we won't. we'll use honorific. --Frank// 司の部屋は、思ったよりもこざっぱりとしていた。 Tsukasa's room is tidier than I thought. 【司】「これを使え」 Tsukasa: "Use this." 投げてよこしたのは、寝袋。 He throws a sleeping bag at me. 【司】「マイナス５度でも大丈夫だった」 Tsukasa: "It'll keep you warm even at -5 degrees." //shouldn't it be "minus" instead of "negative"?// //how about using number?// //but we just got through changing numerals to words// //i think using number is clearer when it comes to measurement// 実証済みかよ。 Is he speaking from experience? 【孝平】「なんで寝袋なんか持ってるんだ？」 Kouhei: "Why do you have a sleeping bag?" 【司】「前に、知り合いが泊まったときに置いてった」 Tsukasa: "A friend of mine left it behind when he stayed over." //I'd usually say an acquaintance isn't a friend, but based on the next lines, I'll leave it like that - KG// //his friend left the bag behind? --Frank// なるほど。 I see. そういえば、友達の家に泊まったこと、あんまりなかったな。 //Game script with \n そういえば、友達の家に泊まったこと、あんまりな\nかったな。// Come to think of it, I rarely stayed over at a friend's house before. //i think present simple goes here. he doesn't stay over often even now. it's his habit.// //But he's referring to the past in this sentence --Aiikon// 【孝平】「この寮じゃ、よく泊まったり泊まりに来たりするのか？」 Kouhei: "Do people stay at each other's rooms often in this dorm?" 【司】「いや、そんなには」 Tsukasa: "Not really." 【司】「孝平も今日だけだからな」 Tsukasa: "You're only here for tonight though." 【孝平】「わかってる」 Kouhei: "Got it." 寝袋をざっと広げ、中に入る。 I unfurl the sleeping bag and crawl in. 初めての寝袋に手こずったが、なんとかチャックを閉める。 It's my first time using a sleeping bag, so it's a little awkward. I somehow manage to zip up. イモムシが一匹登場だ。 I look like a caterpillar. 【孝平】「あったかいな、これ」 Kouhei: "Cozy." 【司】「外で寝ても大丈夫だぞ、試すか？」 Tsukasa: "You should be okay sleeping outside in that. Wanna try?" 【孝平】「遠慮しとく」 Kouhei: "I'll pass." 【司】「歯ブラシとか予備ないから、今日は耐えろ」 Tsukasa: "I don't have any spare toothbrushes, so you'll have to bear it." 【孝平】「ああ、寝袋だけで十分だ」 Kouhei: "The sleeping bag is more than enough." 【司】「んじゃな」 Tsukasa: "Then, night." //the light is off// 初めての夜だ。 My first night here. どんな夢が見られるか。 I wonder what kind of dream will I have? 【女子生徒Ａ】「きゃーありがとーっ！」 Female Student A: "Kyaaa! Thaaaank you!" 【女子生徒Ｂ】「おめでとーっ！」 Female Student B: "Congratulations!" 【女子生徒Ａ】「かなでは、かなでは幸せですっ！　そしてひなちゃんを幸せにしてみせますっ！」 Female Student A: "Kanade is so happy! I'll make sure Hina-chan is happy too!" 【女子生徒Ｂ】「あはは、お姉ちゃんそれじゃ結婚式だよっ」 Female Student B: "Haha, onee-chan, isn't that what you say when you get married?" 【孝平】「……なあ？」 Kouhei: "...Hey." 【司】「ああ？」 Tsukasa: "Yeah?" 【孝平】「いつもこうなのか？」 Kouhei: "Are they always like this?" 【司】「時々な」 Tsukasa: "From time to time." 【孝平】「うるさくて、大変だな」 Kouhei: "It's kinda annoying. Must be hard for you." //"kind of" might not be required but I thought "that's annoying" was too blunt// //by "大変だな" is he pitying Tsukasa?// //less pity and more "that's just troublesome"// 【司】「今から乱入しに行くか？」 Tsukasa: "Wanna go raid their room now?" 冗談交じりに司が言う。 He jokingly said. 【孝平】「いや、やめとくよ」 Kouhei: "Haha, let's not." 【司】「そうか。気にせず寝ろ」 Tsukasa: "Fine. Just ignore them and sleep." 【孝平】「だな」 Kouhei: "Right." 【司】「女子の階で見つかったら、シスター天池にフライパンでマジ殴りされるしな」 Tsukasa: "Plus, if Sister Amaike finds you on the girl's floor she'll beat you with a frying pan." 【孝平】「そりゃ痛そうだ」 Kouhei: "That's gotta hurt." 【司】「だろ？」 Tsukasa: "Right?" 【孝平】「しすたーあまいけ、ってのは？」 Kouhei: "Who is Sister Amaike?" 【司】「女子フロアの寮監だ」 Tsukasa: "Dorm supervisor of the girls' floors." // Isn't the dorm leader Kanade? Dorm supervisor maybe? // //yes dorm supervisor// //Why not matron? I am pretty sure that's what you call them// //never heard that o.o ...but matron is British term anyway :P --Frank// //Matron is too motherly even for Kanade, you wouldn't call someone who could potentially be younger than you a "matron" either would you?// 【司】「気をつけろ。シャレが通じない人だ」 Tsukasa: "Be careful. She's not the kind of person you can joke around with." 【孝平】「わかった」 Kouhei: "Got it." 【司】「んじゃ」 Tsukasa: "Night." 【孝平】「おやすみ」 Kouhei: "Good night." ……。 ... …………。 ...... 眠気がこない。 I can't sleep. //Or "I don't seem to be tired" // //just "I can't sleep" lol// 疲れてるはずだが、気持ちが高揚しているのだろうか。 I should be worn out for today. Is it because I'm so excited? ゴロゴロ *tumble* 姿勢を変えてみる。 I try changing my sleeping position. ゴロゴロ *tumble* 【司】「眠れないのか」 Tsukasa: "Can't sleep?" 闇の中から司の声。 I hear Tsukasa's voice in the darkness. 【孝平】「悪い、起こしたか？」 Kouhei: "Sorry, did I wake you up?" 【司】「いや、俺も眠れなくてな」 Tsukasa: "Nope, I can't sleep either." 【孝平】「そっか」 Kouhei: "I see." 【司】「そう言えば、孝平はどこから越して来たんだ？」 Tsukasa: "Come to think of it, where did you come from?" 【孝平】「昨日までは北陸にいた」 Kouhei: "Until yesterday, I lived in Hokuriku." //footnote: Hokuriku --Frank// 【孝平】「それ以前は……まあいろいろ」 Kouhei: "Before that, a bunch of places." 【司】「引っ越しが多かったんだな」 Tsukasa: "You moved a lot, I guess." 【孝平】「今回で１９回目だ。２０回目だったかも」 Kouhei: "This is my 19th time... or 20th... Can't really remember." // "not too sure" might be a little extra // //seems right for me - KG// //previous version: This is the... uh... nineteenth time. Maybe twentieth, not too sure.// 【司】「大変だな」 Tsukasa: "Sounds rough." 【孝平】「ま、慣れるもんさ」 Kouhei: "Well, I got used to it." 【司】「そんなもんか」 Tsukasa: "Is that so?" // Or maybe: "Is that how it is?" // 【孝平】「でも、今回は卒業までいられそうだ」 Kouhei: "But this time I'm staying until I graduate." 【司】「そっか」 Tsukasa: "I see." 【孝平】「今日は世話になりっぱなしだったな」 Kouhei: "Thanks for looking after me today." 【司】「気にするな」 Tsukasa: "Don't mention it." 【司】「しかしお前、けっこう変わってるな」 Tsukasa: "But you're pretty strange, you know that?" 【孝平】「どの辺が？」 Kouhei: "How come?" 【司】「俺、こういうビジュアルだろ。たいていビビるんだよ」 Tsukasa: "People are usually intimidated by the way I look." //previous version: Usually, people are intimidated by the way I look.// //previous version sounds better// //ok changed back --Frank// 【司】「特にココ、進学校だしな」 Tsukasa: "Especially since this is a prep school." 【孝平】「そういうことか」 Kouhei: "Is that so?" 【孝平】「ま、あれだ。いろんな学校で人見てきたからな」 Kouhei: "Well, I've changed schools a lot and seen many different kinds of people." 【孝平】「相手のことは、とりあえずしゃべってみて決めることにしてる」 Kouhei: "I've learned not to judge a book by its cover." //I think this is more like: I wait until I talk to people before I judge them // //agreed, change if you like. - KG// //i don't think we have to change. this is brief enough --Frank// //use a metaphor?// //Isn't that a cliche?// 【司】「見上げたもんだ」 Tsukasa: "That's admirable." //for some unknown reason i don't like the word "admire" --Frank// //admirable sounds better, IMO// 【孝平】「それやってて、今まで後悔したことはないよ」 Kouhei: "I haven't regretted using that policy so far." 【孝平】「……ああ、１、２回地雷踏んだかな」 Kouhei: "Ah... maybe I have, once or twice." // had -> have? // //yeah, have - KG// 【司】「はは、今回はどうだった」 Tsukasa: "Haha, so what about this time?" 【孝平】「後悔してたら、ここで寝てないさ」 Kouhei: "If I regretted then I wouldn't have come to sleep here." 【司】「そうか」 Tsukasa: "I see." ……。 ... …………。 ...... 【孝平】「よろしくな」 Kouhei: "Nice to meet you." //Not sure this fits// //i guess he means this. he might realize that he hasn't said it before.// ……。 ... …………。 ...... 【司】「ああ」 Tsukasa: "Same here." 徐々に言葉少なになっていくのが、なんだか気持ちよかった。 As the conversation dies down, I somehow feel satisfied. //"with myself" might not be necessary // //It isn't, say goodbye to it - KG// …………。 ...... 修智館学院に来て一日目。 This is my first day at Shuuchikan Academy. 副会長に歓迎されたり変に避けられたり、司の世話になったり。 I had been welcomed by the Student Council's Vice President, who for some reason avoided me later and left me in Tsukasa's care. //I was welcomed by the vice president of the student council, then for some reason avoided, and then met Tsukasa, who's helped a lot. // // Needs rewording anyway but I think this is more accurate // //agreed. - KG// //I like this rewording better than my first -Aiikon// //previous version: I was welcomed by the vice president of the student council but then inexplicably avoided, and then met Tsukasa who's helped out a lot.// いろいろあったような、平和だったような。 Lots of stuff has happened but I'm more comfortable now. そんなことを思いつつ。 As I think about this... 俺の意識は、ゆっくりと闇に溶けていった。 ...my consciousness slowly melts into the darkness. //Another view : Erika// 【瑛里華】「はぁ……はぁ……」 Erika: "Haa... Haa..." 胸が激しく上下している。 My chest is heaving hard. ベッドに横たわっていると、それが余計に気になる。 I lie on my bed uneasily. 頭ではおとなしくしろと命令を出しているのに、身体がいうことを聞かない。 My mind orders my body to stay still, but it won't listen. //previous version: My mind is ordering my body to lay still, but my body won't listen.// もうずいぶん時間がたつというのに、どうしてしまったんだろう。 It's been already quite a while. Why am I still...? //"a long time" sounds like days// //use period or it'll be a run-on sentence// 【瑛里華】「まったく」 Erika: "This is bad." 人には聞かせられない悪態をついて、目をつむる。 I close my eyes and curse under my breath. // I believe that's "such that other people can't hear"// //It is, yet can't think of a way to change it really - KG// //Horray for other people's translating styles as examples -Aiikon// 【瑛里華】「支倉、だっけ」 Erika: "Hasekura, is it?" 名前を覚えるのは得意なほうだ。 Remembering names is one of my strong points. 脳内名簿には、近しい人から順にたくさんの名前が並んでいる。 I have a long list of names in my mind, from intimate friends down the line. 支倉、 Hasekura... 孝平。 Kouhei. その名前は、いきなり名簿のトップに躍進していた。 That name suddenly rushes to the top of my list. ……いや、欄外の一番目立つところか。 ...well, above all others. まあ顔は悪くない。 Well, he doesn't look bad. 不作法な感じもしない。 His attitude isn't bad either. //Manner? Attitude is better, I think, although I am not sure what the original Japanese means// //ok changed --Frank// プラスかマイナスかといわれればプラスだ。 If I had to judge him to be a "plus" or "minus", he'd be a "plus". ただ、それと胸の暴走はこれっぽっちも関係ない。 But the fact that my chest is racing has nothing to do with it... と思う。 ...I think. 正直参った。 Honestly, I have no idea. こんなのは初めてだ。 This is the first time... 理屈を越えたものが身体を勝手に動かしている。 ...that something incomprehensible sends my body into convulsions like this. //previous version: ... that something I don't understand has caused my body to move involuntarily like that.// //prev ver: ...that something I don't understand sends my body into convulsions like this.// このままコントロールを失ったら、 At this rate, I'm going to lose control. //seems this line is also missing - KG// //fixed --Frank// 自分は…… I... そう思うと、いろんなものが頭を駆けめぐる。 When I think about that, various things run through my mind. 【瑛里華】「……」 Erika: "..." ここで負けるわけにはいかない。 I can't lose here. // Her ultimate fear is giving into being a vampire right? She's not cocky.// //how about "mustn't"?// //mustn't is a word that I see so rarely that it looked like it was spelled wrong here// //"can't"// ちょっとしゃくだが、相談してみるか。 Though it's just a small convulsion, maybe I should ask for advice. 入れ食い状態で、食いついてくること請け合いだ。 If I get into that state, I'll surely bite everything in sight. //previous version: It's guaranteed that he will bite onto anything.; i'm pretty sure she means herself in this line.// それを考えると頭が痛いが、背に腹は替えられない。 I get a headache just by thinking about it, but I can't find a good way out of this. //I don't think she's "scared" yet as it was a "little" convulsion, so I don't think she feels like she has "no other way out" // //previous version: I get a headache just by thinking about it. I'll just have to deal with it.; i think she's pretty scared, because this is her first time feeling this// 【瑛里華】「支倉……」 Erika: "Hasekura..." もう一度、その名を口にする。 Once again, I uttered that name. 身体を熱が走り抜けた。 Heat runs through my body. よっぽどだ。 This is really bad. 【瑛里華】「あー、もー」 Erika: "Ahh! Geez!" //I usually translate this to "geez!" but change back if you wish - KG// 布団を頭までかぶり、むりやり目を閉じた。 I cover my head with the futon and force my eyes to close. //Another view ends//